Reimagining Discipline with the Three Rs
As parents, caregivers, and educators, we've all been there: faced with a challenging behavior from a young person that prompts us to react with punishment. But what if there's a better way? This is the very topic I cover in my upcoming TEDx talk. I share my personal journey and insights into why punishments might not be as effective as we once thought, and what we can do instead to support young people's flourishing. While the talk won’t be available for another month or so, I thought I’d share some key takeaways for you to think about and start trying right away.
Reflecting on Past Mistakes
I kicked off my talk by recounting a childhood experience of cheating on a geography test and the feelings of shame and disappointment that followed. It's a scenario many of us can relate to, whether as children ourselves or as adults navigating similar situations with the young people in our lives. But what I discovered through my work with young people is that punishments often exacerbate these negative feelings rather than fostering growth and learning.
The Impact of Punishments on Young People
Through my learning and interactions with young people, I uncovered three key ways in which punishments can hinder rather than support their development:
Impact on Confidence and Self-Worth: Punishments can lead to a decrease in confidence and self-worth, creating a vicious cycle where young people feel ashamed and unworthy of change, which makes long-term change really hard to do.
Effect on Resilience: Punishments can impede the development of resilience by shutting down the emotional tolerance and regulation necessary for navigating hardships effectively.
Hindrance to Learning: Punishments often hinder the learning process by triggering fight-or-flight responses, which are not conducive to effective learning.
Embracing a New Approach: The Three Rs
So, what can we do instead of resorting to punishments? I propose a new approach centered around the Three Rs: being Responsive, Reflective, and Reparative.
Responsive: Instead of reacting with punishment, how can we be responsive by creating a safe and compassionate space for young people to share their mistakes and needs without fear of judgment? (Hint: listening without judgement or advice is the KEY:)
Reflective: How can we take time to reflect on our own reactions and beliefs about punishment, and consider the underlying needs behind young people's behaviors?
Reparative: When I do fall short and react in ways that are not aligned with my values, am I willing to repair the relationship by acknowledging my mistakes, expressing remorse, and working together to find solutions?
The Power of Compassion and Connection
By adopting this approach, we can not only support young people's growth and flourishing but also cultivate deeper connections and trust within our relationships. One more REALLY important takeaway, it's NEVER too late to start practicing the Three Rs, and the impact can extend far beyond our immediate interactions with young people.
Taking Action Today
I conclude my talk with a call to action for all of us to choose one of the Three Rs and practice it with someone in our lives. Whether we're parents, teachers, or caregivers, we have the power to humanize one another through compassion and understanding. Who in your life could you practice being responsive with? Or, is there a repair that needs to happen? Give it a try and then ask the other person how it felt to experience that!
Conclusion
In a world where punishment often feels like the default response to challenging behavior, we can all be reminded of the transformative power of compassion, reflection, and repair. By embracing the three Rs, we can create a more nurturing and supportive environment for the young people in our lives to thrive.
I’ll be sure to share when my TEDx talk is live! In the meantime, to learn more about my work as a parent coach and consultant, send me an email so we can connect. I will also be sharing more about my Reimagining Discipline through the Three R’s minicourse soon, so be on the lookout!
Let's work together to reimagine discipline as an opportunity for growth and connection, one compassionate interaction at a time.
